Mets one-time superstar turned head case (literally) David Wright returned to action this week after being concussed and landing on the 15-day disabled list. Sporting the goofiest headgear since the Special Olympics bicylce race, Wright immediately contributed to a Mets loss, as usual, but needlessly singling in a run in the first inning. But the buzz after the game was that Wright’s performance, or shall we say, signature look, immediately landed him several movie offers.

Wright was immediately offered the lead role in “The Great Gazoo,” the story of the little green Martian that Fred Flintstone befriended after smoking copious amounts of weed.  Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein personally called Wright after the game to discuss the project. He spoke to Baseball Without Boundaries immediately thereafter.

“Let’s face it, the guy has movie star looks, but he kinda sucks right now. Oooh, the best player on an injury-plagued team – not exactly Field of Dreams kinda shit there, right,” he said. “So he comes out in this goofy Gazoo helmet and  - BAM! – it hits me. David Wright is my guy.”

Weinstein would not comment on why he was watching a Mets-Rockies game in early September, and muttered about “having people to do this shit for me.”

Almost immediately after Weinstein’s call, Rick Moranis and Mel Brooks got Wright on a conference call. They asked him to star in a new HBO series, Spaceballs, based on the movie that starred both men.

“We are really excited because it’s a comedy, but typical of HBO, it’s a show with heart,” Brooks explained. “The show is about an astronaut with testicular cancer. And when I think of cancer, I think of the Mets. And when I think of testicles, I think of David Wright. Who doesn’t.”

These are not Wright’s first entertainment offers. In 1998, he was approached by Showtime to play a supporting (so to speak) role in a show called “Queer as Folk.”  Wright politely declined saying “Aw shucks fellas, I’m all for romanticizing butt sex, but I’m only 16. And I’d have to talk to my Momma and my minister first, and I don’t think they will take kindly to sodomy. They’re kinda old fashioned that way.”

Word spread quickly in the Mets clubhouse.

“Gazoo? That shit is funny,” said Wright’s teammate Gary Sheffield. “I didn’t think there was anything that could make that boy any whiter, but god damn the Great Gazoo. I hope he does the movie. I’ll be smoking marijuana rolled in his baseball cards if he does that shit. Gazoo. That shit is funny.”

Manager Jerry Manuel was nonplussed.

“Well…..uh….. we gonna have to battle…..We’ll find someone else to play tomorrow….Someone gotta step up,” he said before being interrupted by PR geniuses who have fouled everything else up this season. “Oh, he ain’t hurt? Well I’ll be a monkey's uncle! Oh wait I already am."

Manuel was not criticized by the New York media for his racist comment, because he told the press core "Oh, come on fellas. Uncle Jerry said it's okay to laugh. It's like the gangsta stuff. Shit, I could drop the n-word and Omar got my back!"

Wright said he will not decide about the offers until he returns to New York

 

 

ESPN, the self-proclaimed Worldwide Leader in Sports, today announced it was creating a new network aimed exclusively at African-Americans while good ole regular ESPN would be geared only to white viewers. ESPN defended the controversial move by saying it allowed advertisers a more targeted investment in the product.

The two channels will be named ESPN Word for the black viewer and ESPN Bird for the white viewer, a reference to a basketball great from French Lick, Indiana whose main rival was, yes, a black man.

ESPN Word will feature new programs such as “Saturday Night Jive,” a compilation of the week’s “Yo Momma” jokes by professional athletes, “ESPN: 69” featuring bootleg videos of black athletes nailing white women and “Pardon the Interrogation,” a show featuring dramatization of police interviews with the Cincinnati Bengals, University of Miami Hurricanes, and Mike Tyson.  ESPN Word will continue to broadcast “The Sports Reporters” hosted by John Saunders.  The network will never, ever mention ice hockey.

ESPN Bird’s new programming will feature “Get Er Done,” a show featuring country line dancing, bull riding and all sorts of Frisbee sports, to be hosted by Brett Favre, “Everybody Loves Bob,” a campy sitcom based on sportscaster Bob Costas’s life and is already being called the white man’s Cosby Show,  and “Jim Rome is a Pussy, “ aimed to make every white man feel good that he is NOT Jim Rome. ESPN Bird will broadcast “The Sports Reporters” hosted by, well, John Saunders.  The network will never, ever mention ice hockey.

(Hockey fans, all 1,235 of them, will be able to follow their sport on ESPN Who Cares, which will feature European sports that will never make it big in the United States.)

ESPN said the Word/Bird move was made during a time when white audiences bristle about  extensive coverage of the NBA playoffs during the opening of the baseball season.

“You might say we’ve received some feedback from the Caucasian audience and African-Americans have made their opinion known,” said Chris Berman, an original ESPN anchor whose popularity among whites is through the roof. “I should have never started tweeting. White people love the new technologies and have been on my ass about the NBA stuff for weeks now.”

Asked how blacks showed their disapproval of baseball coverage, Berman mumbled something about “drive by’s and things of that nature,” a remark he later apologized for without saying what he was apologizing for. He said he learned that trick from Jason Giambi and other disgraced white athletes.

By Thomas J. McFeeley

Satirist-in-Chief

Baseball Without Boundaries has learned that the banned substance Manny Ramirez ingested that lead to the 50-game suspension levied today was a little known ingredient in his newest hair product, Manny Being Heidi.

Ramirez was slated to announce his latest business venture during the MLB All-Star break in July. The product – which Manny himself foolishly used – was to claim that it makes your hair so tough that your dreadlocks could beat Albert Pujols in the Home Run Derby, a feat Ramirez was to attempt in conjunction with the release of the product. Baseball Without Boundaries scooped all these so-called legit journalists who insist bribing Ramirez’s agent, Scott Boras, breaks some bullshit ethical rules of their profession. Hello? Kathie Lee is a quote-unquote journalist.

“Dude, I was so stoked for this product. I believe in this product so much. Wanna hit?” Manny said puffing on sizeable J. “Originally we pictured a condom sponsor. Like Trojan meets Manny’s Lousiville Slugger kind of thing. But one of the PR nerds said State Farm wouldn’t let me hit homeruns with my Johnson.  I told them ‘It’s aight, ESPN is cable, dude. You can show cock on cable.’ But the suits always win. Damn shame too.”

The illegal substance entered Manny's system through the scalp. Ramirez, claiming he breaks a sweat on the field "maybe once a week" admitted that he rarely washes his hair.

"Dude, Brad Pitt told me the bitches like you a lil grimy, but not quite pigpen, but a lil body odor can get you prime cut tuna, yo," he said. "And that dude been inside some Holl-y-wood elite, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Once the comdom deal went flacid, Manny instead turned to his famed dreadlocks.  Boras knew a guy who knew a guy who had this great Soul Glo type  product for the 21^st century.

“This Soul Glo dude had this hard-on for Pedro Martinez cuz that MoFo loves his hair more than Mark Wahlberg love his own junk,” a source told Baseball Without Boundaries on the condition we pay him too. “Pedro’s lights out in the World Baseball Classic, but what he don’t calculate is more people watch freakin’ soccer than that WBC bullshit. And nobody sign Pedro’s scrawny ass, even to a minor league deal.”

Enter Manny. Claiming poverty after managing just a one-year $25 million deal with the Dodgers, Manny was eager to help. In his first  meeting with the Manny Being Heidi folks, Ramirez said he was worried about his financial situation because he invested his Red Sox contract money with Bernie Madoff.

“Dude, how a guy supposed to do the right thing and support 10 families these days,” Manny reportedly said the meeting. “Obama may be a little darker than little Texas midget, but he want my coin even worse. Remember, the Negro don’t like the Latino.”

So the deal was struck. Financial terms were not disclosed but several Los Angeles residents claim Manny hired a sky writer to announce the $75 million endorsement deal over the Santa Monica pier.

A laboratory test revealed that the Manny Being Heidi hair product included not only a banned steroid, but banned substances invented by Sy Sperling, who would have preferred the slogan “I’m not just the president of Hair Club for Men, I’m also a bad-ass dope fiend who gonna take over your corner and pop a cap in yo ass if you don’t gimme what’s mine, yo.” The Manny Being Heidi product was also found to contain Viagra, meaning Manny refused to dive during a game and had to be removed from the game if it exceeded four hours. 

“This shit is no joke,” said a junior level CSI: Los Angeles lab tech. “This makes the shit Jimmy Johnson put in his hair look like diet cherry Doctor Pepper.  My colleague, she kinda kinky, she rubbed some on her breasts this morning. She’s literally down the hall cutting class with her nipples. Manny’s hair woulda won the MVP if he didn’t get caught.”

Ramirez denied further comment except to say he was gonna smoke his ass off and had already booked his plane ticket to go hang out with Ricky Williams for two months.

By Thomas J. McFeeley

Satirist-in-chief

Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins, a former National League MVP, angrily repeated that his team, the defending world champions, are still the team to beat. His comments came after Mets ace Johan Santana, throttled the Phillies in a 1-0 win. (After the World Series win last year, Rollins very publicly said the Mets incorrectly assumed that Santana alone could dethrone the Phillies. In last night's game however, Santana was joined by 3 Phillie errors to give the Mets a win.)

“Dude, man. To be the best, you gots to beat the best,” Rollins snapped at the New York media after the loss to the Mets. “I got the ring. I got the MVP award. Hell, I got people to polish my MVP award AND my ring. And I can hit the high inside pitch unlike some midgets I know.”

When asked by a New York Mets blogger, who was wearing his 1986 World Series nylon jacket and the thickest glasses Rollins had ever seen, if Rollins had yet to see a high inside pitch this season based on his  .212 average, Rollins snapped.

“Yo, everyone I found fuckin’ Waldo. He lives here in this armpit of a city reliving a 23-year-old miracle,” Rollins yelled to his teammates before addressing the blogger personally. “Bartman, do you wear your Members Only jacket in the offseason? And where do you keep that picture of you and Mr. Met, under your pillow?”

“Well actually it’s right here…”

“I was kidding. God you freaks scare me,” Rollins said. “No wonder this city turns Hall of Famers into scared little pussy boys. You let fans who never got none and make them quote-unquote journalists, as if that is something to aspire to. Aspire – that’s the right word there,  fellas, right?”

Then a NY Post reporter asked “Speaking of scared little pussy boys, where is Cole Hamels? Conveniently his Tuesday start was pushed to Friday. Does his declaration of the Mets as ‘chokers’ have anything to do with your rotation this week?”

That question upset Rollins so much, he took his headphones off.

“Okay the guy’s name is Cole. That his mamma fault,” Rollins said. “And one guy did print up ‘I’m with Coward’ t-shirts to wear on the days he pitched. But the dude turned his ankle. And those white guys got some pretty strong ankles, so you KNOW his shit was hurt. When you bitches get medical degrees, come back and ask about the health of one of my teammates.”

“We the team to beat. You still don’t see that. We put the best team on that field every night. The team that gives us the best chance to win. Now  if you excuse me I gots to go talk to my manager.”

Twenty minutes later the Phillies announced that Rollins was being sent down to the Phillies Triple-A affiliate. A nerdy PR-guy read a hastily prepared statement:

“Jimmy Rollins begged, er, discussed the idea of going to the minor leagues with our manager Charlie Manual. Jimmy told him ‘Damn Mister Man-u-el, I can’t take the pressure no more. Phillie fans are bad, but this New York media be just relentless. That’s the right word there, relentless, right Mr. Man-u-el? Cole Hamels momma said I looked stressed on lasagna night at her house the other night, I think I need to work it out down on the farm. Sheeeit, if I gotta take a beating after a game, it’s gots to be from some barely legal groupie with loose morals, not no nerds with tape recorders.  I filled out this here form the best I could, you just needs to sign this bitch, right here next to the X. That be my signature.’”

The spokesperson denied initial reports that Manuel was asleep for the entire meeting and Rollins moved the manager’s hand along the transaction approval document.

*

In other Phillies news, backup SS Eric Bruntlett last night sold out a Times Square pharmacy’s supply of condoms. Store owners heard the unknown mumble  something about being the man, getting tons of tail and telling a story of a man known as Wally Pipp.

New York Mets players held a team meeting before tonight’s game at Atlanta to discuss Mets General Manager Omar Manaya’s  comments that his players lack the “edge” needed to compete in a difficult National League East.

The meeting lasted three hours, but not because the players had a lot to say. A  team of translators was called in to communicate to the players in four different languages.  There were some difficulties translating phrases such as “balls to the wall,” “aggressive early in the count” and “does this dress make me look fat?”

It was unknown which players called the players-only meeting, so Matt the Fat Bat Boy volunteered to run the show.

 “Look you sheepish bitches, here’s the deal,” said Matt the Fat. “Every road trip, I remove those ‘How to Help a Choking Victim’ Posters from your lockers, your hotel rooms and your mistresses apartments. Maybe it’s about time you do the Heimlich maneuver on yourselves. You choked last year. You choked the year before. You choked against the Cardinals in 2006 when you should have won the World Series. I know it, you know it, even Bob Dole knows it. If you win, you can remove your panties. But in order to win, you have to actually give a shit….Duh.”

“Uh…Meester Matt? I give sheet. It’s a 3 pound sheet. Still in toilet,” Carlos Beltran piped up.

After getting a “High Cinco” from teammate Carlos Delgado, Beltran waved his hand in front of his nose indicating that his shit actually does stink.

“Wait guys, maybe he’s right. Maybe we need a gut check, literally,” said the team’s defacto captain David Wright. “Maybe we should do that Heimlich thing. I think I should try it on Reyes. Then Castillo can do it to me. And then do it again. And Daniel Murphy….I bet your arms around me might do the trick.”

Wright, engaged in his nervous habit of stroking the pink bat players use on Mother’s Day, then looked off in the distance and smiled.

“Look fellas, I’m like the team leader and I’m a starting pitcher,” said ace John Santana. “If the highest paid prima donna pitcher in baseball is leading a team off the field, that’s fucked up. I’m supposed to play golf, chase skirts, and get drunk four days a week. Hey Wright, could you stop stroking that bat. You’re kinda wigging me out.”

The following 30 minutes resembled a New York City firehouse when one young firefighter is accused of “pole smoking” or “sucking the deep hose.” A significant melee broke out highlighted by Wright saying “The only thing that’s going up your ass is my fist…..Oh wait, I didn’t mean it to sound like that.”

It was unclear to whom Wright’s threat/promise was aimed, though he did repeat the phrase 24 times.

After a half-hour, the players decided they were exhausted and needed to prepare for the game.

Matt the Batt handed out the baseball cards of all the Braves in the starting lineup.  Right field Ryan Church lead the team in prayer (Wright suggested it, because his name was Church, before suggesting he might wanna give Church the Heimlich), and Carlos Delgado cursed at his bat saying “Fuck you Jobu. I do it myself.” He then removed himself from the lineup, complaining that his hip still hurt.

Church then handed out votive candles and lead the singing of “This Little Light of Mine” as players made their way to the playing field.

The Braves won 9-1 as the Mets scattered 3 hits. Wright drove in the only run with a homerun, calling his shot, which was caught by a confused teenage boy wearing a pink Mets t-shirt.

*

In related news, Oliver Perez has announced his retirement from baseball.  After learning that his $36 million was guaranteed, Perez paid a doctor $2 million to claim the wishy-washy Perez has a torn labia, which will require 3 years of rest.

Perez did mention a desire to represent Mexico in the 2012 Olympics.

“Based on my ERA, I know I’m almost a perfect 10,” said Perez, referencing his 9.97 runs allowed per nine innings. “And David Wright taught me a killer pommel horse routine.”

In a bizarre interview with ESPN 360, Red Sox star Kevin Youkilis showed his metaphysical side. He discussed his childhood “visions” that the Sox would win the World Series in 2004, revealed his crystal ball, and that he utilizes “energy cards” to better understand his life. The most stunning part of the interview was his revelation of one of his previous lives.

In his most previous life, he said, he was Yukon Cornelius.

“Um….yeah?” he said to the incredulous Rachel Nichols. “Um…Yooooouk….Yukon…..Youkilis. Duh! It was all in the cards. Wanna play with my cards?”

Nichols declined but did badger the beloved Sox first baseman.

“Okay. Yukon Cornelius. From the Rudolph movie?” she asked, noting she wasn’t “a big Christmas girl.” 

           “Yeah, totally….Where do you think I learned to grow this insane beard-like-thing? Big Papi? Come on, he’s an artist. I’m a full bush beard guy. I have been since the Rudolph days.”

“Okay, Youk, you DO know that Rudolph is not real?”

“No wonder you’re not a Christmas girl. You can’t hold the magic in your heart. Feel the reindeer. Be the reindeer.”

“Do you have a drinking problems of some sort?”

“I just drink in the Lord and he put me at the North Pole, and then Fenway Park.  I couldn’t be any luckier. I’m truly blessed,” Youk said.

The interview followed a bizarre exchange between Youk and producers of the show. A befuddled Youkilis entered a conference room at ESPN headquarters usually reserved for paper football games between Sportscenter anchors. Sources say Linda Cohn is the company champ.

“Um…what is this all about,” Youkilis said. “A conference room? That’s kinda kinky.”

Apparently teammate Dustin Pedroia, who was supposed to deliver the message about the interview to Youkilis, decided to play a practical joke on his usually fun-loving teammate. Sources tell us that Pedroia told Youk that he would be taping the first episode of “ESPN 69” in which athletes and ESPN reporters drop this journalism charade and get down and dirty. On camera.

Youkilis had asked Pedroia if Suzy Kolber could handle his Louisville Slugger, but the MVP told him that Joe Namath had dibs. “I guess Nichols is good sloppy seconds, but don’t tell the hockey guys I said that.”

Once he settled in for the interview, a squirmy Youkilis was honest and frank about his beliefs and past lives.

He admitted to being afraid of floating icebergs, pick-axes, and admitted having sex with livestock.

“God damn, that Clarisse. She’s even hotter off camera,” he said. “I didn’t have a single hair on my chinny chin chin until she made MY nose light up too.”

A stunned Nichols asked Youk three times if he knew Clarisse was a reindeer –and was spoken for.

“Oh honey, I knew the whole time…. You mean you never….with an animal,” he said. “When I told Michael Lewis he was shocked too. Then he assumed because I serviced livestock that I was Greek…You know, Greek God of Walks? Moneyball? Do you know how to read? Anyway, honey, I’m as Jewish as Gilbert Gottfried.”

Praying the Race Card

Reminding us of their tradition, mystique, and pomposity, The New York Yankees The Greatest Franchise in Sports History today praced "Hairy" Chien-Ming Wang on the 15-day-disabled list. Yankees officials downplayed the move saying many Yankee pitching legends, most notably Whitey Ford, have spent time on the 15-day DL.

"This team has a history and tradition of minor injuries and in fact we have a virtual Hall of Fame of disabled list players. In fact the Yankee DL Hall of

Fame is along the third base side in the field level of our lovely new home. Did you know Greatness Has a New Home?" GM Brian Cashman said. "But about Wang, here is the latest. Even Whitey went on the DL once and he was genuine Yankee, pure Caucasian. While we understand the breeding of the yellow man does not match the generations of superior athletes that have donned the pinstripes, we think Hairy Chien is one tough gook."

As he was corrected by a reporter, Cashman sent an intern to search for the most offensive term for a Taiwanese gimp.

Cashman also apologized to Hank & Hal. Afraid to be sent to his room without dessert, Cashman blamed his brother for injury. “Please Mr. and Mr. Steinbrenner, don’t take my allowance. No more foreigners. Okay, no more Asians. I plomise.”

Wang, not being grilled by the New York media about another horrible performance, suddenly had a better grasp of the English language and a willingness to try his best. Asked to explain the injury, Wang explained he had a case of salary envy.

“They uh sign uh two free agents, the big fat reft-hander who visit free buffet a rot, and that uh right handed freak. I was the reading pitcher here. .. No not like book….Like the fuckin’ ace. How you say, Opening Day startah. I was uh how you say ‘Da Man.’  So my regs hurt a rittle bit. But they told me ‘you no run so much.’ So what the fruck you think happen? They no like the yerrow man around here.”

When it was pointed out that DH/OF Hideki Matsui was being given a chance to work out his own lower body injuries, Wang bristled.

“Ah…so you should ask uh Mr. Cashman about that situration. They have big dorrar invested in Hideki. His name is Cashman. How you say… uh..Duh! Prus, the radio man, Mr. Sterring roves to say ‘A Thrirra by Godzirra.”

Wang is expected to be out several weeks. Informed of Wang’s comments, Cashman said they won’t rush the right-handed former ace, targeting a 2011 return.