By Thomas J. McFeeley

Satirist-in-Chief

The New York Yankees suffered one of their most bittersweet days, when Yanks’ ace CC Sabathia injured three quarters of the team’s All-Star infield when they mounted him on their shoulders after the hefty hurler delivered a brilliant no-hit effort.

Third baseman Alex Rodriguez, SS Derek Jeter and recent free agent signee Mark Teixeira, the team’s first baseman, were all place on the disabled list with fractured collarbones and rotator cuff tears when they placed Sabathia atop their shoulders. Sabathia is listed at 250 pounds in the team’s media guide. The guide also lists the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny as future prospects.

“I’m still juicing and I’m telling you, that guy is a freakin’ load – he’s heavier than my ego,” said A-Rod. “It didn’t help that our choir-boy-I’ll-never-do-drugs-pretty-boy Jeter was in the middle. He couldn’t uphold a promise on those shoulders. I gotta go stab that guy in the ass with something.”

Yanks GM Brian Cashman said the team was poised to replace the most expensive infield in history through deal making.

“We have a long and distinguished history of greatness in the overpaying for players business and we accept this challenge with our arms opened wide and our wallets opened even further,” Cashman said with 29 phones to his ear.

When asked about calling up players from their farm team, Cashman said he wasn’t interested in bringing in Joba Chamberlain’s friends.

“Just what we need, more fat fucking rednecks who get behind the wheel of a tractor after sucking down gallons of grain alcohol, no thank you,” Cashman said before a reporter clarified his question. “Oh, you mean the minor leagues? The LAST thing we want to do is to build a team with homegrown talent. It doesn’t fit the Yankees grand tradition of trying to buy a title. Did I mention that we have 26 titles, and greatness has a new home?”

A-Rod, Jeter and Teixeira are expected to be re-evaluated tomorrow.

By Thomas J. McFeeley

Satirist-In-Chief

Selena Roberts, author of the cleverly titled but struggling book “A-Rod” has announced an unusual incentive to boost sales – she will hold book signings at strip clubs and give a free lap dance to those who buy multiple copies.

“I know a lot of strippers in a lot of towns and I became comfortable in their element,” Roberts said. “You can’t write a book about A-Rod without going to every titty bar this side of Madonna.  It was a learning experience for me, and I immersed myself in it. I learned that fake boobs CAN be sensitive to the touch. Gave me a new perspective on knockers and the women who pay for them.”

Two dancers in the Texas strip club simply named “Bush” who identified themselves only at Candi and Brandi, said Roberts was willing to heavily research her book by paying for lap dances herself out of a hefty advance from her publisher.

“She was pretty timid at first, but when we tag teamed her and brought in the toy we call Black Thunder, she got right on her blackberry and asked the publisher to triple the budget and wire her 10k the next day,” Candi said while smacking on chewing gum.  “She said something like ‘if that ho/skank at Duke make money showing her goods then, momma gonna  get herself a night job.’”

Surprisingly, the tactic is supported by the National Organization for Women. The influential organization says Roberts’s lap dances may actually finally begin to deter men from strip clubs.

“C’mon, I like tuna more than friggin Garfield but that bitch is nasty,” said a source at NOW under the condition that Baseball Without Boundaries score her some U.S. Open tickets. “The very idea of Selena Roberts climbing aboard your love boat and applying pine tar on Louisville Slugger?  That’s going to keep attendance, among other things, down at the strip joints. We say bring it on bitch.”

Sports Illustrated had no comment for the story, but other media outlets were immediately interested

Among the early media passes handed out Roberts’s publisher included Robin Roberts of ABC, Mary Carillo of whatever network tennis is on, and Nancy Lieberman-Cline of ESPN.

A-Rod himself declined comment, saying everytime he says anything Derek Jeter “get his panties in a bunch.” He did say he would grant ESPN sideline reporter “an exclusive.”

“If she’s not a rugmuncher, she get whatever scoop she want if you know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!,” he said. Teammate Markk Teixeira confirmed the sexual orientation of Miss Andrews, saying she  was about the only thing he did hit in April.