New York Mets players held a team meeting before tonight’s game at Atlanta to discuss Mets General Manager Omar Manaya’s  comments that his players lack the “edge” needed to compete in a difficult National League East.

The meeting lasted three hours, but not because the players had a lot to say. A  team of translators was called in to communicate to the players in four different languages.  There were some difficulties translating phrases such as “balls to the wall,” “aggressive early in the count” and “does this dress make me look fat?”

It was unknown which players called the players-only meeting, so Matt the Fat Bat Boy volunteered to run the show.

 “Look you sheepish bitches, here’s the deal,” said Matt the Fat. “Every road trip, I remove those ‘How to Help a Choking Victim’ Posters from your lockers, your hotel rooms and your mistresses apartments. Maybe it’s about time you do the Heimlich maneuver on yourselves. You choked last year. You choked the year before. You choked against the Cardinals in 2006 when you should have won the World Series. I know it, you know it, even Bob Dole knows it. If you win, you can remove your panties. But in order to win, you have to actually give a shit….Duh.”

“Uh…Meester Matt? I give sheet. It’s a 3 pound sheet. Still in toilet,” Carlos Beltran piped up.

After getting a “High Cinco” from teammate Carlos Delgado, Beltran waved his hand in front of his nose indicating that his shit actually does stink.

“Wait guys, maybe he’s right. Maybe we need a gut check, literally,” said the team’s defacto captain David Wright. “Maybe we should do that Heimlich thing. I think I should try it on Reyes. Then Castillo can do it to me. And then do it again. And Daniel Murphy….I bet your arms around me might do the trick.”

Wright, engaged in his nervous habit of stroking the pink bat players use on Mother’s Day, then looked off in the distance and smiled.

“Look fellas, I’m like the team leader and I’m a starting pitcher,” said ace John Santana. “If the highest paid prima donna pitcher in baseball is leading a team off the field, that’s fucked up. I’m supposed to play golf, chase skirts, and get drunk four days a week. Hey Wright, could you stop stroking that bat. You’re kinda wigging me out.”

The following 30 minutes resembled a New York City firehouse when one young firefighter is accused of “pole smoking” or “sucking the deep hose.” A significant melee broke out highlighted by Wright saying “The only thing that’s going up your ass is my fist…..Oh wait, I didn’t mean it to sound like that.”

It was unclear to whom Wright’s threat/promise was aimed, though he did repeat the phrase 24 times.

After a half-hour, the players decided they were exhausted and needed to prepare for the game.

Matt the Batt handed out the baseball cards of all the Braves in the starting lineup.  Right field Ryan Church lead the team in prayer (Wright suggested it, because his name was Church, before suggesting he might wanna give Church the Heimlich), and Carlos Delgado cursed at his bat saying “Fuck you Jobu. I do it myself.” He then removed himself from the lineup, complaining that his hip still hurt.

Church then handed out votive candles and lead the singing of “This Little Light of Mine” as players made their way to the playing field.

The Braves won 9-1 as the Mets scattered 3 hits. Wright drove in the only run with a homerun, calling his shot, which was caught by a confused teenage boy wearing a pink Mets t-shirt.

*

In related news, Oliver Perez has announced his retirement from baseball.  After learning that his $36 million was guaranteed, Perez paid a doctor $2 million to claim the wishy-washy Perez has a torn labia, which will require 3 years of rest.

Perez did mention a desire to represent Mexico in the 2012 Olympics.

“Based on my ERA, I know I’m almost a perfect 10,” said Perez, referencing his 9.97 runs allowed per nine innings. “And David Wright taught me a killer pommel horse routine.”