Baseball Without Boundaries

Baseball News.....Kinda

Yanks' injuries mount, after they mount their ace

By Thomas J. McFeeley

Satirist-in-Chief

The New York Yankees suffered one of their most bittersweet days, when Yanks’ ace CC Sabathia injured three quarters of the team’s All-Star infield when they mounted him on their shoulders after the hefty hurler delivered a brilliant no-hit effort.

Third baseman Alex Rodriguez, SS Derek Jeter and recent free agent signee Mark Teixeira, the team’s first baseman, were all place on the disabled list with fractured collarbones and rotator cuff tears when they placed Sabathia atop their shoulders. Sabathia is listed at 250 pounds in the team’s media guide. The guide also lists the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny as future prospects.

“I’m still juicing and I’m telling you, that guy is a freakin’ load – he’s heavier than my ego,” said A-Rod. “It didn’t help that our choir-boy-I’ll-never-do-drugs-pretty-boy Jeter was in the middle. He couldn’t uphold a promise on those shoulders. I gotta go stab that guy in the ass with something.”

Yanks GM Brian Cashman said the team was poised to replace the most expensive infield in history through deal making.

“We have a long and distinguished history of greatness in the overpaying for players business and we accept this challenge with our arms opened wide and our wallets opened even further,” Cashman said with 29 phones to his ear.

When asked about calling up players from their farm team, Cashman said he wasn’t interested in bringing in Joba Chamberlain’s friends.

“Just what we need, more fat fucking rednecks who get behind the wheel of a tractor after sucking down gallons of grain alcohol, no thank you,” Cashman said before a reporter clarified his question. “Oh, you mean the minor leagues? The LAST thing we want to do is to build a team with homegrown talent. It doesn’t fit the Yankees grand tradition of trying to buy a title. Did I mention that we have 26 titles, and greatness has a new home?”

A-Rod, Jeter and Teixeira are expected to be re-evaluated tomorrow.




Magic Wang -- Yankee Racial Tensions Revealed

  

Praying the Race Card

Reminding us of their tradition, mystique, and pomposity, The New York Yankees The Greatest Franchise in Sports History today praced "Hairy" Chien-Ming Wang on the 15-day-disabled list. Yankees officials downplayed the move saying many Yankee pitching legends, most notably Whitey Ford, have spent time on the 15-day DL.

"This team has a history and tradition of minor injuries and in fact we have a virtual Hall of Fame of disabled list players. In fact the Yankee DL Hall of

Fame is along the third base side in the field level of our lovely new home. Did you know Greatness Has a New Home?" GM Brian Cashman said. "But about Wang, here is the latest. Even Whitey went on the DL once and he was genuine Yankee, pure Caucasian. While we understand the breeding of the yellow man does not match the generations of superior athletes that have donned the pinstripes, we think Hairy Chien is one tough gook."

As he was corrected by a reporter, Cashman sent an intern to search for the most offensive term for a Taiwanese gimp.

Cashman also apologized to Hank & Hal. Afraid to be sent to his room without dessert, Cashman blamed his brother for injury. “Please Mr. and Mr. Steinbrenner, don’t take my allowance. No more foreigners. Okay, no more Asians. I plomise.”

Wang, not being grilled by the New York media about another horrible performance, suddenly had a better grasp of the English language and a willingness to try his best. Asked to explain the injury, Wang explained he had a case of salary envy.

“They uh sign uh two free agents, the big fat reft-hander who visit free buffet a rot, and that uh right handed freak. I was the reading pitcher here. .. No not like book….Like the fuckin’ ace. How you say, Opening Day startah. I was uh how you say ‘Da Man.’  So my regs hurt a rittle bit. But they told me ‘you no run so much.’ So what the fruck you think happen? They no like the yerrow man around here.”

When it was pointed out that DH/OF Hideki Matsui was being given a chance to work out his own lower body injuries, Wang bristled.

“Ah…so you should ask uh Mr. Cashman about that situration. They have big dorrar invested in Hideki. His name is Cashman. How you say… uh..Duh! Prus, the radio man, Mr. Sterring roves to say ‘A Thrirra by Godzirra.”

Wang is expected to be out several weeks. Informed of Wang’s comments, Cashman said they won’t rush the right-handed former ace, targeting a 2011 return.