By Thomas J. McFeeley

Satirist-in-chief

Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins, a former National League MVP, angrily repeated that his team, the defending world champions, are still the team to beat. His comments came after Mets ace Johan Santana, throttled the Phillies in a 1-0 win. (After the World Series win last year, Rollins very publicly said the Mets incorrectly assumed that Santana alone could dethrone the Phillies. In last night's game however, Santana was joined by 3 Phillie errors to give the Mets a win.)

“Dude, man. To be the best, you gots to beat the best,” Rollins snapped at the New York media after the loss to the Mets. “I got the ring. I got the MVP award. Hell, I got people to polish my MVP award AND my ring. And I can hit the high inside pitch unlike some midgets I know.”

When asked by a New York Mets blogger, who was wearing his 1986 World Series nylon jacket and the thickest glasses Rollins had ever seen, if Rollins had yet to see a high inside pitch this season based on his  .212 average, Rollins snapped.

“Yo, everyone I found fuckin’ Waldo. He lives here in this armpit of a city reliving a 23-year-old miracle,” Rollins yelled to his teammates before addressing the blogger personally. “Bartman, do you wear your Members Only jacket in the offseason? And where do you keep that picture of you and Mr. Met, under your pillow?”

“Well actually it’s right here…”

“I was kidding. God you freaks scare me,” Rollins said. “No wonder this city turns Hall of Famers into scared little pussy boys. You let fans who never got none and make them quote-unquote journalists, as if that is something to aspire to. Aspire – that’s the right word there,  fellas, right?”

Then a NY Post reporter asked “Speaking of scared little pussy boys, where is Cole Hamels? Conveniently his Tuesday start was pushed to Friday. Does his declaration of the Mets as ‘chokers’ have anything to do with your rotation this week?”

That question upset Rollins so much, he took his headphones off.

“Okay the guy’s name is Cole. That his mamma fault,” Rollins said. “And one guy did print up ‘I’m with Coward’ t-shirts to wear on the days he pitched. But the dude turned his ankle. And those white guys got some pretty strong ankles, so you KNOW his shit was hurt. When you bitches get medical degrees, come back and ask about the health of one of my teammates.”

“We the team to beat. You still don’t see that. We put the best team on that field every night. The team that gives us the best chance to win. Now  if you excuse me I gots to go talk to my manager.”

Twenty minutes later the Phillies announced that Rollins was being sent down to the Phillies Triple-A affiliate. A nerdy PR-guy read a hastily prepared statement:

“Jimmy Rollins begged, er, discussed the idea of going to the minor leagues with our manager Charlie Manual. Jimmy told him ‘Damn Mister Man-u-el, I can’t take the pressure no more. Phillie fans are bad, but this New York media be just relentless. That’s the right word there, relentless, right Mr. Man-u-el? Cole Hamels momma said I looked stressed on lasagna night at her house the other night, I think I need to work it out down on the farm. Sheeeit, if I gotta take a beating after a game, it’s gots to be from some barely legal groupie with loose morals, not no nerds with tape recorders.  I filled out this here form the best I could, you just needs to sign this bitch, right here next to the X. That be my signature.’”

The spokesperson denied initial reports that Manuel was asleep for the entire meeting and Rollins moved the manager’s hand along the transaction approval document.

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In other Phillies news, backup SS Eric Bruntlett last night sold out a Times Square pharmacy’s supply of condoms. Store owners heard the unknown mumble  something about being the man, getting tons of tail and telling a story of a man known as Wally Pipp.