By Thomas J. McFeeley

Satirist-in-Chief

Baseball Without Boundaries has learned that the banned substance Manny Ramirez ingested that lead to the 50-game suspension levied today was a little known ingredient in his newest hair product, Manny Being Heidi.

Ramirez was slated to announce his latest business venture during the MLB All-Star break in July. The product – which Manny himself foolishly used – was to claim that it makes your hair so tough that your dreadlocks could beat Albert Pujols in the Home Run Derby, a feat Ramirez was to attempt in conjunction with the release of the product. Baseball Without Boundaries scooped all these so-called legit journalists who insist bribing Ramirez’s agent, Scott Boras, breaks some bullshit ethical rules of their profession. Hello? Kathie Lee is a quote-unquote journalist.

“Dude, I was so stoked for this product. I believe in this product so much. Wanna hit?” Manny said puffing on sizeable J. “Originally we pictured a condom sponsor. Like Trojan meets Manny’s Lousiville Slugger kind of thing. But one of the PR nerds said State Farm wouldn’t let me hit homeruns with my Johnson.  I told them ‘It’s aight, ESPN is cable, dude. You can show cock on cable.’ But the suits always win. Damn shame too.”

The illegal substance entered Manny's system through the scalp. Ramirez, claiming he breaks a sweat on the field "maybe once a week" admitted that he rarely washes his hair.

"Dude, Brad Pitt told me the bitches like you a lil grimy, but not quite pigpen, but a lil body odor can get you prime cut tuna, yo," he said. "And that dude been inside some Holl-y-wood elite, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Once the comdom deal went flacid, Manny instead turned to his famed dreadlocks.  Boras knew a guy who knew a guy who had this great Soul Glo type  product for the 21^st century.

“This Soul Glo dude had this hard-on for Pedro Martinez cuz that MoFo loves his hair more than Mark Wahlberg love his own junk,” a source told Baseball Without Boundaries on the condition we pay him too. “Pedro’s lights out in the World Baseball Classic, but what he don’t calculate is more people watch freakin’ soccer than that WBC bullshit. And nobody sign Pedro’s scrawny ass, even to a minor league deal.”

Enter Manny. Claiming poverty after managing just a one-year $25 million deal with the Dodgers, Manny was eager to help. In his first  meeting with the Manny Being Heidi folks, Ramirez said he was worried about his financial situation because he invested his Red Sox contract money with Bernie Madoff.

“Dude, how a guy supposed to do the right thing and support 10 families these days,” Manny reportedly said the meeting. “Obama may be a little darker than little Texas midget, but he want my coin even worse. Remember, the Negro don’t like the Latino.”

So the deal was struck. Financial terms were not disclosed but several Los Angeles residents claim Manny hired a sky writer to announce the $75 million endorsement deal over the Santa Monica pier.

A laboratory test revealed that the Manny Being Heidi hair product included not only a banned steroid, but banned substances invented by Sy Sperling, who would have preferred the slogan “I’m not just the president of Hair Club for Men, I’m also a bad-ass dope fiend who gonna take over your corner and pop a cap in yo ass if you don’t gimme what’s mine, yo.” The Manny Being Heidi product was also found to contain Viagra, meaning Manny refused to dive during a game and had to be removed from the game if it exceeded four hours. 

“This shit is no joke,” said a junior level CSI: Los Angeles lab tech. “This makes the shit Jimmy Johnson put in his hair look like diet cherry Doctor Pepper.  My colleague, she kinda kinky, she rubbed some on her breasts this morning. She’s literally down the hall cutting class with her nipples. Manny’s hair woulda won the MVP if he didn’t get caught.”

Ramirez denied further comment except to say he was gonna smoke his ass off and had already booked his plane ticket to go hang out with Ricky Williams for two months.