ESPN, the self-proclaimed Worldwide Leader in Sports, today announced it was creating a new network aimed exclusively at African-Americans while good ole regular ESPN would be geared only to white viewers. ESPN defended the controversial move by saying it allowed advertisers a more targeted investment in the product.

The two channels will be named ESPN Word for the black viewer and ESPN Bird for the white viewer, a reference to a basketball great from French Lick, Indiana whose main rival was, yes, a black man.

ESPN Word will feature new programs such as “Saturday Night Jive,” a compilation of the week’s “Yo Momma” jokes by professional athletes, “ESPN: 69” featuring bootleg videos of black athletes nailing white women and “Pardon the Interrogation,” a show featuring dramatization of police interviews with the Cincinnati Bengals, University of Miami Hurricanes, and Mike Tyson.  ESPN Word will continue to broadcast “The Sports Reporters” hosted by John Saunders.  The network will never, ever mention ice hockey.

ESPN Bird’s new programming will feature “Get Er Done,” a show featuring country line dancing, bull riding and all sorts of Frisbee sports, to be hosted by Brett Favre, “Everybody Loves Bob,” a campy sitcom based on sportscaster Bob Costas’s life and is already being called the white man’s Cosby Show,  and “Jim Rome is a Pussy, “ aimed to make every white man feel good that he is NOT Jim Rome. ESPN Bird will broadcast “The Sports Reporters” hosted by, well, John Saunders.  The network will never, ever mention ice hockey.

(Hockey fans, all 1,235 of them, will be able to follow their sport on ESPN Who Cares, which will feature European sports that will never make it big in the United States.)

ESPN said the Word/Bird move was made during a time when white audiences bristle about  extensive coverage of the NBA playoffs during the opening of the baseball season.

“You might say we’ve received some feedback from the Caucasian audience and African-Americans have made their opinion known,” said Chris Berman, an original ESPN anchor whose popularity among whites is through the roof. “I should have never started tweeting. White people love the new technologies and have been on my ass about the NBA stuff for weeks now.”

Asked how blacks showed their disapproval of baseball coverage, Berman mumbled something about “drive by’s and things of that nature,” a remark he later apologized for without saying what he was apologizing for. He said he learned that trick from Jason Giambi and other disgraced white athletes.

Praying the Race Card

Reminding us of their tradition, mystique, and pomposity, The New York Yankees The Greatest Franchise in Sports History today praced "Hairy" Chien-Ming Wang on the 15-day-disabled list. Yankees officials downplayed the move saying many Yankee pitching legends, most notably Whitey Ford, have spent time on the 15-day DL.

"This team has a history and tradition of minor injuries and in fact we have a virtual Hall of Fame of disabled list players. In fact the Yankee DL Hall of

Fame is along the third base side in the field level of our lovely new home. Did you know Greatness Has a New Home?" GM Brian Cashman said. "But about Wang, here is the latest. Even Whitey went on the DL once and he was genuine Yankee, pure Caucasian. While we understand the breeding of the yellow man does not match the generations of superior athletes that have donned the pinstripes, we think Hairy Chien is one tough gook."

As he was corrected by a reporter, Cashman sent an intern to search for the most offensive term for a Taiwanese gimp.

Cashman also apologized to Hank & Hal. Afraid to be sent to his room without dessert, Cashman blamed his brother for injury. “Please Mr. and Mr. Steinbrenner, don’t take my allowance. No more foreigners. Okay, no more Asians. I plomise.”

Wang, not being grilled by the New York media about another horrible performance, suddenly had a better grasp of the English language and a willingness to try his best. Asked to explain the injury, Wang explained he had a case of salary envy.

“They uh sign uh two free agents, the big fat reft-hander who visit free buffet a rot, and that uh right handed freak. I was the reading pitcher here. .. No not like book….Like the fuckin’ ace. How you say, Opening Day startah. I was uh how you say ‘Da Man.’  So my regs hurt a rittle bit. But they told me ‘you no run so much.’ So what the fruck you think happen? They no like the yerrow man around here.”

When it was pointed out that DH/OF Hideki Matsui was being given a chance to work out his own lower body injuries, Wang bristled.

“Ah…so you should ask uh Mr. Cashman about that situration. They have big dorrar invested in Hideki. His name is Cashman. How you say… uh..Duh! Prus, the radio man, Mr. Sterring roves to say ‘A Thrirra by Godzirra.”

Wang is expected to be out several weeks. Informed of Wang’s comments, Cashman said they won’t rush the right-handed former ace, targeting a 2011 return.